Men here me speak, women please leave now. Are they all gone? Hey, hussy...yea you...get moving. Damn, sorry Ralph, looks like you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight, but that doesn't matter. Ugh, I know you don't want to sleep on the couch Ralph, who would? Just suck it up and be a man. Now what was I saying...yes...MEN HERE ME SPEAK (said in a oddly godly voice). We have been trapped to long by the confines of some hastily constructed cotton rig. It needs to stop here. Are you with me my brothers? Then shed your Fruit of The Loom asian made getup called underwear. Let your rod and berries swing unconstrained in your overly priced Tommy Hilfinger jeans. No longer will we boil our swimmers because fascist dictators telling us we must contain Buster McThunderstick and The Danglin' Gang. From this point foward we will always be "going commando". Now, some of you might be saying "But Chris, I like the support I get from wearing underwear". My answer to you is this: No you don't. You've been trained into believe that you not only need them for support but the fact that you actually like wearing them. We've been getting lied to from the moment we stopped wearing diapers and became what they called "big boys". It's sick to watch. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Now is the time for reckoning. Let's start off this revolution together...as one. On my mark remove the shakles contaning your executive staff member and his secretaries. VIVA REVOLUTION!!
On your way out don't forget to pick up your copy of my new book Letting Go Of Your Underwear: A Man's Guide To Hanging Free. It's also a book on tape for those of you who are illiterate. Oh and one last thing. Please deposit your unmentionables in the proper disposal units, thank you.
Screw Cable...It's all about the Net
I didn't think this would ever happen...but it did. How did I let myself get so rapped up in...in **sniff** I can't say it. What's happened to me. I had my priorities set the way they should be. TV above everything except sex, money, women (if they're not nagging you or if they've every done it doggy style just so you could watch TV while "doing the nasty"), and finally cars. That's just the natural order of things...TV should always come first. Well, in the past 3 days I found out that I've been cheating on TV with it's younger, faster, hornier, better looking next door neighbor's sister...the internet.
I'm horrible. I should be locked up and fed only fish guts, rhino horns, and Richard Simons ass (and you thought the rhino horns would be tough to eat). I...I...don't understand why the hell it takes so long for Adelphia to fix our internet. That's right folks. For the last 3 (count them...do it **shaking fist**) I have been with out the internet. While it's been away I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather have the internet then cable TV. While some of you are welcoming me in with open arms, others are spitting and cursing at me. All I have to say for myself is...have you seen all the porn sites? I mean, can you ever forgive me my cable TV brethren? Can't you find it in your I Love Lucy, Highway To Heaven, and Married With Children hearts to forgive me for my betrayal of our beloved savior? No....well screw you too. Have fun with American Idol, Survivor, and Everybody Loves Raymond. What a load of crap those shows are. I won't miss them when there completely off the air. Now, where was I, oh yes, with out the internet...still. Those bastards better fix it or they won't get the holiday basket of assorted candies, pastries, and prophylactics I was going to steal for them. Instead I'll steal it and give it to someone who truly needs it...your mom.
Wow, how long has it been since you've seen or heard those two words. If your a teenage boy in high school then you heard it 68 times in the last second. If your in college and doing your best friends mom then you've said it 68 times in the last second. If your a women in your 30's who's married and living with or within 10 miles of your inlaws then your've said it 30 times in the last nanosecond. If your a man or woman (this is the last one I promise) who's been out of high school for at least 2 years then you haven't heard...what was the phrase again. Oh yea, your mom...it for at least 2 years. Alrighty, I'm done. Till next time. Keep your toes clean but your feet dirty. Feel free to email me at: imstillonlyjoking@exceptabouttheinternetthing.com
P.S. - Some of you might be wondering how I'm posting this if I don't have the internet working at my house right now. Hello, you guys need to get out a little. Everyone has the internet now, duh. And it always helps to have grandparents who have broadband. Also...Joe how could you not buy Adventures in the Magical Kingdom. I mean it's Disney for God's sake. Even Jesus would of picked the Disney game over Batman. Ok, maybe he would of picked one of those bible games first but I'm confident that he would of picked up Adventures in the Magical Kingdom after he'd gotten those bible humping turds. I'm not going to go to hell for saying the NES bible games where turds, am I?
This is the OS that best fits my personality. Go here to take the quiz.
I have a weBlog
Wow, I officially have a blog. I can now check that box on all those questionnaires (fourteen word score, yes).... 3. Do you have a web blog? Yes, yes I do. Then I can answer the next question....
4. How often do you update your web blog?
A)Whenever I breath
B)Five times a day
C)Once a day
D)I never update
E)Blog...is that some kind of pond scum?
I of course will be answering A...not. Like I have that kind of time. I can barely make time for Yoga, cat chasing, and bird de-feathering (those birds don't need that many feathers to fly. They just want us to think they do). If times really short, I cut out the Yoga. I mean I only do it so I can see all the hot women stretching in positions that should only be in the bedroom or during baseball games (really what else is there to do. The game is just soooooo boring). Ok, so I signed up for Yoga but never had the guts to go. Have you seen the clothes they make you wear. I looked like a overstuffed pork sausage (and I'm not talking about down under either). Let's face it, women are the only ones who looking good enough, while doing Yoga, to do Yoga...and I'm fine with that and I think every other guy and gal out there is too. If you don't agree with me you can send an email to: Imjustjoking@ireallydontdothesethings.com.