Trying to Forget What Won't Leave

I'm having... what you would call... some problems. I'm working to hard at something I don't want and not hard enough at what I want (or at least it feels that way). Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. I'm trying to get a show on it's feet but I'm finding out it's extremely hard. A lot harder then I could have imagined. It doesn't help that I'm working full time and soon will be going back to school. The best part though, is my ex. We got back together and then broke up 6 months later. Recently I found out that she wrote a post about me and in said blog reposted three of writings. Lol, she pulled them from this very website. In fact, if you want to read them, here they are (Love, Strength, & Letting Go). Most of the post she wrote, blames me for our brake up and shows a hint that she might finally be realizing that she's the one that broke us up, and not me. I'll be the first one to tell you that when we were together the first time, it was more like 60/40 (40% being my fault). At the same time, this was my first long term relationship I'd ever been in, and frankly, I could have been better. That though does not excuse her lying and cheating. The second time together, well, I don't know what else I could have done. I really don't. I bought her a $300 diamond necklace, helped her buy a TV (which I let her put on my credit card. She still owes me over $1500, btw), gave her back rubs, was supportive, took her out to dinner, didn't argue when she couldn't call a waiter over, and anything else I could think of to do to make things right this time. I guess it wasn't enough. She says that if I had told her some of the things that I had written her after our first break up, things would have been different. She even admits that she wasn't trying all that hard to make it work the second time. Which makes me look even more the fool, since, I was trying. And that's the problem. I truly and with no doubt in my mind loved and still do, love her. I, frankly, don't think she could handle that. I do believe that she loved and still does love me but I can't keep having her throw chaos into my life. As a wise friend told me, "No offense, but what good has ever come from you talking or being with her." It's true, we had good times but at the end of the day she does nothing for me but bring me down. My life, is better with out her. I just hope this time around she actually leaves me alone like I've asked her to, cause I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Oh, and if your reading this Krystle. I never did anything on purpose to make you cry or to hurt you, but fuck me, if it doesn't seem like you were trying, and still doing, stuff to hurt me. This is why I beg of you to leave me alone, please.

Finally It's Happening

That's right folks. My websites finally going to get it's long over due reworking. I'm sure you can already tell that it's already in the middle of said transformation. There will be some new things. For example there will be a page for the work I'm doing. Whether it be a film/show I'm working on, writings that I want to share with everyone, or just links to my work online, you'll be able to find it there. I will do my best to keep my personal life out of it, but no promises. There will also be pages for just my blog (which will house all my rants and daily life stuff), a bio, and maybe even a few other surprises. Till next time, keep it real inter-web.

Letting Go

Sitting in my chair, with only one of a million things I could do, but only one thing continues to come to my mind. It's stuck in my brain like a splinter that's been shoved far under the skin. All I've been wanting for the past few weeks is to forget about it. All memory of it erased from my brain. Yes, it'd be a large chunk of my memories but definitely the most volatile, rotten, horrible part of my life. Or so I thought....until I remembered what tickling was like, and I can do nothing but smile while tears run down my face. A flood of vibrant memories, more colorful then they ever could have been when they were made, came to to the fore front of my mind only to force more of the watery substance out of my eyes and onto my face. Man, do I love her, only now do I realize how much I truly did and that it's over. I know it's been over, there was never any doubt about that. It's just I never remembered how great it was to tickle her, her laughter, her unexpected face, her words telling me to stop but every part of her body telling me to continue. And of course the kiss, my prize for when I would finally release her from my devilish hands, only to have said kiss interrupted by her attempt to reclaim some vengeance by trying to tickle me. A foolish attempt, it never worked but she tried every time. I was wrong, I didn't hate these memories or the times with her. It's just the opposite. I love her and always will. I wish her the best and hope only that she never be afraid to fail or try something new because I know that she can be great. My only hope is she remembers the tickles as fondly as I do.

Youtube Posting and More

Ok, so after much thought and conversing with a couple friends I decided that it would be best to put up all my videos on youtube and hope that people like it enough to go to revver.com and re watch it there as well. So, here's the links for my latest films at youtube. Intersection Human Crossing As for the rest of my life. Well, I'm procrastinating way to much in my English 101 class which is pretty much the worst thing I could be doing and of course I'm making stupid decisions with a certain woman who keeps bailing on me every time I try to hang out or do anything nice for her. Hopefully she gets some help or finally confronts what ever problems keeping her from being happy because I know I can't put anymore effort into that sink hole. It always ends up bitting me in the ass when ever I do try to be nice to her.