Nightmare

I just woke up from a nightmare. Maybe in a few days I'll find it funny (actually I'm sure I will) but today I find it frightening. Here's what happened before it gets fuzzy in my mind. Shit was happening in my life and I met this black guy who was wheel chair bound. I decided to help him out and we went back to my house. An argument broke out at my house and he went back out to my car. After I was done arguing with who ever was in my house I went out to my car to talk to my new friend only to find someone was stealing my car. Who are these two people? Well, in the passenger seat was James Franco and Craig Ferguson was driving (yes, I know. Weird. Especially since I really like these guys). I tried to break James Franco's arm. All it did was bend and he laughed and me. As the car starts pulling away I pulled my self into the back seat. This is when I find my friend I had just met, they had killed him. I look at Craig Ferguson to see him pointing a gun at my head. I didn't think he'd pull the trigger. He did. I remember seeing his face of horror as I start grinning with the half of my face I still had. He tells me to swallow the bullet and die already. I, had different plans. I can hear police sirens in the back ground and could feel myself slipping away. Some how I have the gun in my hand. I try to pull the trigger. It seems to take all my strength and finally the hammer falls. Nothing happens. I do it again. This time it doesn't take as long. Again, nothing. I try a third time knowing I have only one more shot. I take it. It lands home. It's right after that moment that I woke up, scared myself on a shadow that looked just like a man, and tried to figure out what the fuck this dream could have possible meant.

Need Help

It is 4 am as I write this. I can not sleep even though I want nothing more than the sweet release of slumber. I have come to the conclusion that there is infact something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but it's under the surface of my being. It scares me not knowing what is going on. I could be depressed, yes, in fact I'm almost sure of it. But there's something else there. I've never felt or had to deal with anything like this before. I must sound like a lunitic. Doesn't suprise me. Every night for hours I feel like one. I feel the real me, the true me, slowly being replaced by something trying to act as me. It doesn't understand what I'm about or how I do things, but it tries just the same. Where do I go for help when I can't even explain what's wrong? How do I stop it when I can't see it, feel it, touch it? During the day, I'm me, free to do as I please. At night it comes out and takes over. ...... .... .. . God help me.

Orange County On Fire

I have never had a tragic event happen close to my being. I have never had my home burn down, been mugged, or had someone killed that was close to me. I, in all respects, have been lucky not to experience any of these tragic physical events. I have had many other horrible things happen in my life but they were all mental, and had only minor implications on my physical world. But, these other loses I have only ever experienced, sadly, through my friends and family. I grew up in Anaheim, Ca, on a cul-de-sac, with my father, brother, grandparents, and four other children, that I call my childhood friends. I over the years have remembered some of the great things that we did for each other, that I will one of these days write about in great detail. Today though, I had one of these childhood friends almost lose there home to a fire. For those who don’t know, there was an extremely bad fire in Orange County, Ca over the last weekend. It threatened some of my families’ homes as well as said friend. She had just bought a condo with her fiancée. From what I remember, they only bought it around 6 months ago. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to evacuate my home and leave it with the knowledge that it might not be there when I get back. She had to watch the news while dealing with the knowledge that at any moment she could be seeing her home burn down to the ground. Because I’ve never had to deal with these things, I have no way of fully understanding how to deal with such a tragedy. I sat reading her blog entry knowing there was nothing I could say to help comfort my old friend. I decided not do anything stupid, like, telling her it’s all going to be ok, at least you got out safely, or it happened for a reason/God’s plan. I had nothing to back up any of those claims and knew that it would do nothing to help her suffering. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote her but I do know that her house didn’t burn down and that in fact, it was about to, before the firemen got the blaze under control. I’m not sure really why I’m writing this, maybe it’s because I was powerless to help her. Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. Or maybe, I’m trying to prove that sometimes it’s best to say as little as possible but just let them know your there for them in there time of need.