Your in a parking lot. You see some people sitting by a car. You approach them and ask if they know how to get to the morgue...why your going to the morgue, I have know idea but your going there. They tell you they don't know how to get there. You thank them then ask if anyone has a slug. They ask you why and you answer buy telling them that you wanted to buy it. One guy say's(while grabing his crouch) that he has something for sell in his pants you can buy.
I'm now going to tell you the anwsers that you shouldn't say unless....
1)You can run 5 miles in 20 mins.
2)You have a car next to you that's running and it has someone already in the drivers seat ready to go.
3)You can kick Bruce Lee's ass or even Jackie Chan's.
4)You have balls or breast of steal.
5)You can breath fire...or finally
6)You know how to kill with your left shoe...not your right...cause killing someone with you right shoe would just be ludicrous.
Now the things you shouldn't say unless you can do one of those six things or feel like getting your ass beat.
1)No thanks, I'm not gay.
2)How much sugar-pie.
3)Maybe later...will you be at the same corner as your mom?
4)Ummm....no you sick ass mother fucking hoe bag.
5)I was waiting for you to offer.
6)Does your girlfriend have anything in her pants for sale?
7)Fuck you? I hardly even know you.
8)Check please!
9)Has anyone ever told you that you look like Carrot Top?
10)How much? Five cents?
11)Has anyone ever told you that you look like Pauly Shore?...and finally
12)I bite.
Ofcourse if you have a 500 pound black man that knows Kung-Foo with you then you can say anything you want to that sick perverted man....If you find a 500 pound black man that knows Kung-Foo please let me know so I can hire him as my personal body guard.
A New Writer!
Well, turns out that writing something every couple of days is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Because of that I've added another author. You might of notice... then again you might not have. If you didn't notice you now know. Oh, you'll be able to tell who wrote what by who it was posted by. Now for something completely different.
Directions Please!
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the foru...wait...wrong story. That one's copyrighted...but this one isn't.
Men and women. We fit together like nuts and bolts, toothpicks and mouths(I feel sorry for that gal or maybe for that guy), cotton swabs and ears, pencils and sharpeners, a casket and a grave, keys and locks, Gore and Clinton...wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Wait better yet just forget the hole Clinton-Gore thing. But men and women really do fit together...stop snickering, were all adults here. Ok, some of you aren't but most of you are. Some would say that we fit together in more than one way...seriously you people need to grow up. I wasn't talking about the back door. I was talking about gender role but that's a line that is continuing to be blured, which in my opinion is a good thing, but I want to go back to the the physical way we fit together.
Man gets erect while woman gets lubed...no a Jiffy Lube man doesn't squirt water down there. She sweets...in a way. Really Timmy your 30 years old now and you still don't know how the female body works, get your self a hooker...or your mother...to show you please. Then you can come back and read this. Ok, back to what I was saying. Yes, men get erect and women become wet. Then the man puts his thing in her thing and bam...there having sex. It's a beatiful thing. It's all perfect except for the fact that the man's done in about 3.4 seconds and the women's (if the man were to last as long has her) done in about 2 days...does anyone else see a problem with that? If women would just hurry the fuck up, us men wouldn't look so bad by only being able to last a hole minute. Which is funny because when were by our selves we can last forever. Maybe women need to have sex with us when we think were masurbating. Don't worry I don't know how that'd work either. So I think it all comes down to the fact that women need to hurry up and men need to stop and ask directions to the clitoris. I know I have...and you should too!
Parrot
I want a parrot. Why you ask? Well, sit on down and I'll tell you exactly the reason behind my longing for a bird that can talk. Let me paint the picture for you...
Your on you way to my house for an evening which will include dinner, dessert, talk, and ofcourse a movie. You come to my door nock on it and wait...not to long ofcourse but just long enough for me to open the door and invite you in. You've been to my house many times before so there's no need for me to tell you where everything is. Although I do let you know when dinner will be served...which will be in ten minutes. You make your way into my family room and notice that I have a parrot but not any kind of parrot One of those $1,200 parrots that you see at Petsmart or Petco. You think to your self, "hmmmm when did he get that" then "I wonder if it talks". It opens it's beak and spouts "rrhaaa, whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here, rrhaaa". Your surprised but before you can ask any more questions it's already spewing more "rrhaaa, oh yea, oh yea, do me baby, do me harder, rrhaaa".
Your horrified that such an animal could spout such digusting sentences. You find me and ask, "Chris when did you get the parrot and why did you teach it all those nasty things."
I answer, "First, I didn't teach Doobie anything and second about a week ago it just flew into my house from an open window. I fed it some crackers and now it won't leave."
You continue to ask me questions. All the while Doobie (whose the parrot) keeps on saying things like, "rrhaaa, stop blowing holes in my ship!, rrhaaa" and "rrhaaa, it's the dead nigger in my garage, rrhaaa". Oh yes, it will be a great day indeed...but I bet your asking yourself why I would want to buy and then teach a parrot all that...not so wonderful stuff. Well, cause I want to. I mean wouldn't it be funny if you where sitting at someones house and then suddenly a parrots starts flinging movie and/or naughty bedroom quotes? I think it would, which is exactly why I'm going to do it.....what you want to know some of the quotes I'm going to teach my parrot. I thought you'd never ask.
You've already seen some of them but here's some others that I have in mind...can you figure out what movie, show, or person there from?
"Dead men tell no tales..."
"Have you ever given a guy a foot massage?"
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."
"I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight."
"Be Stoic, mother fucker"
"Say hello to my little friend!"
"And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn."
"We should have shotguns for this."
"Bob had bitch tits."
"How'm I gonna get a scar like that eating pussy?"
"Does he look like a bitch?"
"Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face."
"They look like a couple of dorks."
"Most transvestites fancy girls."
"Sorry baby but I had to crash that Honda."
"We say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!"
"Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead."
"Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"
.....I know, I can't wait either.
It's Here!
Well my web site is finally here. Good God it took a long time to get up and running. Just to let you guys know I will be re-publishing all the entries I had on Xanga.com onto this site, that way I won't have entries in two different places and anyone new can see them all in one place.
First I'll tell you a little about myself. My name is Chris Golde. I live in Southern California and I'm an Actor, Writer, Director.......yea, I know.....another one. I think I'll tell you a little of what you can expect from my weblog. This isn't going to be a "journal" like most weBlogs are. Mine is going to be a place where I can write and get some feedback from people.....although I'm sure I'm going to put some stuff from my life somewhere. Also I will eventually have a page where you can see up coming and past projects that I've been invovled with. I'll also have a picture gallery and will be making my site look better just in general. If you couldn't tell it's a little plain right now......but that will change! I hope you enjoy my site and please feel free to comment on my writing/entries.